Sara vs Sara

Disclaimer: this is an observation, not a complaint. I love my life. I love Sam, and Sam is my life, so therefore I love my life.  It just occurred to me as I lay in bed last night that my entire life reflects that feeling of being too tired to do anything like read a book, but too awake to sleep: the upshot of which is that one ends up doing the enemy of sleep - thinking.

I currently occupy that same no-man's land  - I am neither one thing nor the other. The twenty-something-year-old women I know all fit into one of two categories: footloose and fancyfree, enjoying impromptu days out and alcohol fuelled nights; or settled down, enjoying quiet nights in with a partner and family day trips.  And yet I am neither of these. I cannot share the impulsive life of my non-parent friends, as I am tied to the house from 6pm each evening when Sam goes to bed. But nor do I enjoy sharing those evenings with anyone else. I cannot indulge in last-minute weekend shennanigans as everything requires planning and arrangement, but nor is there much appeal in days or meals out with Sam, without an adult or older child to provide some semblance of conversation!

I suppose I get the best of both worlds...at the weekends I can (with enough warning) go out with my friends, and in the week I can enjoy time with my son. But in reality I feel like a fraud if I go out, as I should be a responsible mother at all times; and I feel like a fraud when I meet up with other friends with children, as they all live in their little family units and Sam and I are like loose ended tag alongs.

There's only one solution - Sam needs to hurry up and start talking properly so that his company feels more like a pleasure and less like a commitment!  Until then, I shall continue to drag my mother along so that Sam and I can enjoy a "family holiday", and pack Sam off to his father's at the weekends so that I can see those limited friends that can be bothered to wait until I'm free: I swear, the next person who texts on a midweek night asking me if I'm free to do something will wish they hadn't....

S xx